Goodbyes

Well, today was the day that my family and I have been dreading. Tom had to leave for Kuwait today. I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster all day. I thought this goodbye would be easier. I mean it's not like I've never done it before right?

We decided that it'd be best if we left the kids at home. And we were right. It was much easier for them to say goodbye. Just hugs and tickles and kisses. I'm sure it'll hit them in a few days when they realize that Daddy's not coming to visit like he used to. Originally I thought TOm's dad was going to take him to the airport. It's 4 hours each way and he gets nervous when I make trips like that by myself. But, last night he decided that I should take him and give us some extra time alone together.

The trip to the airport was a quiet one, neither one of us really knew what to say. I wanted to ask him about how he was feeling, but I didnt want to make it harder on him than it already was. So instead I drove quietly getting lost in my music, crying silently the whole way down. He didn't notice which was good. I knew that it was time to put my brave face on so he could see the strong wife, instead of the one who was dying inside.

I was allowed to walk him to the gate. He had an hour before his plane, but we decided to get our goodbyes done as soon as possible. Have you ever seen those commercials or movies where the couples are saying goodbye? The tears? That's what it was like. As soon as I put my arms around him I knew that was going to be the last time for a year and all the emotion I'd been bottling up all month, just came rushing out.

We kissed goodbye and I walked to my car holding back tears. When I got into the car, I got my phone and the first person I called was my mom. I cried like a baby for about 5 minutes, then I picked myself up, but on my brave face and started the drive home. And that's the face I will keep wearing for the next year. At least in front of everyone I come in contact with. That is our job as army wives. We put on a brave face and save the tears for when we're alone at night.

Don't worry about me, I'll be ok. The first few days are always rough. And I have a much better support system this time than last time. My parents are here, I have a wonderful church. I have my GED and college to prepare for. I have plenty to keep me busy. I will NOT fall apart again. I refuse to let myself be weak this time. Sue is coming in a couple weeks. She knows that the first couple weeks are hardest for me. But I swear this time I will pull through

Until Next time,
Keep smiling
Louise

The Joys of Studying

As many of you know I've been studying for my GED. I think I've gotten myself on a pretty good program. But, let me tell you holy crow has it been a LONG time since I've done this! I just finished up the Language and Writing Skills preperation and wow I had no idea that the English language had so many rules lol.

I never really had a problem with English in school. I always managed to pass it. Where I really struggled was with math. I was having a discussion with a friend earlier this evening and he had said if I needed any help to let him know. So, we got talking about math. He made a comment that really made me giggle. He said "They lost me at x=ab squared....WTF?" Why do we add letters? Seriously.

But, if I want to better my life, I have to pass it. I took the GED test years ago, while Lana was still small and I passed everything but the math. I was told once I have a 3rd grade math level. I'll be so happy once this test is done and over with and I can move on to the fun stuff....career training!

I wish I had never left school. When I left, I had 4 months to go til graduation and I was passing all my classes for a change. I had even been accepted to my dream college. I was going to be a Kindergarten teacher. Of course that was before I had kids lol. I love my kids but I honestly don't think I could handle 20 of them every day.

I think when I finish this, I'd like to train to be a photographer or graphic designer. I love playing with pictures and transforming them into something beautiful. I've even started doing my kids own school pictures. The way I see it is, if you have the know how to do it, why pay someone and get a limit as to what you can have done? Every 6 months, I dress my kids up and take several snapshots. Then, I take them into photoshop and "work my magic" as my friend Tiffany likes to say. Stay tuned for a future blog post on how to do a simple, yet beautiful effect on a picture.

Short one tonight guys. I have no clue what I wanna write about LOL. Until next time...KEEP SMILING!

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

Good evening my loyal readers! It's late tonight I know but if you read my blog on the other site then you know my days have gotten a little busy lol.

For those of you who didnt see the post on the other site, let me give you a quick rundown of what my days look like latley. My alarm goes off at 6am (most days I hit the snooze button til about 7 swearing at it the whole time). When I do finally get up it's time to get Lana up for school (of course by now I'm so short on time I find myself praying that Connor sleeps in so I don't have to get 2 kids dressed before coffee). I take her to the bus stop about 7:30 where her bus comes shortly after. Then I finally get my morning coffee. Most days Connor's still asleep when I get back so I have about an hour or so to study for my GED.

When he finally wakes up, I let him wake Tom up while I prepare to do my workout. I alternate between 20 minutes of cardio or strength training (depends on the day) and finish out with 10 minutes of yoga. Now that I'm sore and energized at the same time (I haven't figured out how that works yet lol), I take my sweaty butt to the shower. After that I pour another cup of coffee and start cleaning. I usually have a couple hours before I have to get Lana that I use to play on the computer or whatever I feel like doing.

Then, Lana comes home and it's time to do homework and dinner. I get a couple hours at night of quiet time then I go to sleep to start it all again the next day. I don't work out on Sundays, that's my church and parents day.

Tired yet? If you ever wonder why you haven't seen me for a few days read this post lol. I can't help but wonder, have I started to do too much? I'm also taking online classes to hopefully help me with coping mechanisms for while Tom's gone next year. I'm determined that I'm not gonna fall into that slump again like I did last time.

One last thing before I go to bed. Have you made your New Years Resolutions yet? I have a couple this year. Obviously the first is to lose this weight by the time Tom comes back in January of 2012. And the second is simple, to finish what I start. So many times I've started a life-changing project, worked at it for a few months then got bored and not finished it. I dont wanna do that anymore.

OK, it's bedtime for me. I get to sleep in a bit, Lana's got a 2 hour delay tomorrow. Don't really know why, we're only supposed to get a trace of snow lol. But oh well, I'll take the extra sleep. If I don't see you before have a happy and safe holiday!

Keep Smiling!

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What Have I Been Doing?

I've received a few emails asking what I've been upto since I haven't blogged since idk when. So, I guess I should take a few minutes to tell ya'll what I've been up to.



The last few months have been so much better than the last year, but not without difficulty or change. As you all know I arrived in NC safe and sound and have moved into my own house. I absolutly LOVE my house. It's a beautiful 3 bedroom house with a fenced in backyard. I'm happier than I have been in a long time. It's all hardwood floors and tile so easier to keep clean which makes it GREAT for me LOL.

Tom's home on leave til January where he leaves for Kuwait for a year. When I went to pick him up I was wandering around waiting for him to finish some briefing he had to do and discovered that if I get my GED the army will pay for career training for up to 4k. So I'm working on that. I try to study a little bit every day. THere's no date for the test set yet, but I'll keep you posted.

I also found church. I've been going to this great church with my dad where the people are amazing and so supportive. In October, I was baptized as a follower of Christ. And I have to say honestly, I feel so much more relaxed and at peace. I feel like I can handle almost anything life has to throw at me with strength and courage.

Now for the biggest change. The doctor told my mother that she has to lose serious amounts of weight or she's in real danger. That scared me enough to motivate myself to get healthy with her. So I've started a diet and weight loss program and am aiming to lose 66 pounds by November of 2011. I'm going to need all your support to stay motivated as many of you know, I get bored very easily lol.

I found a great site for support called sparks people. You can track your nutrition and excercise routine. I try for 20 minutes of cardio and strength training, and 10 minutes of yoga every day. As I start to lose more I'll probably increase that. Alot of my future blogs will probably be tracking my weight loss and such. Maybe even post pictures once in a while as to my progress lol.

We're doing Christmas at my house this year. I'm going to attempt to cook my first Christmas dinner. My parents are going to come as well as my brother I'm very excited for it!

Well that's it for now! I'll try to remember to blog more often, but if not just kick me every once in a while and say "HEY DUMBASS....BLOG!!!!" LMFAO. I love and miss you all and I wish you all a safe and happy Holiday!

The Differences

Ok so I've been in NC for almost a week now. So far I've felt 10 times more relaxed than ever. The people here are so laid back, which I've already experienced having lived here before. They are always ready to offer a smile, or kind word whether they know you or not.

So today, I was chillin in the pool with my family when all of a sudden this little boy wanders into the back yard. He couldn't have been more than 12. Keep in mind that the temperature was 95 with a heat index of 107. He tells us he just moved into the area and had been riding his bike when he got lost. The poor kid's face was flushed, he was sweating and looked like he may have had the start of heat exhaustion. I got out of the pool and got him a cold drink and had him sit in the shade.

My brother got out and we found the directions to where he said he lived. Turns out he was only 5 minutes out of the way so my brother loaded his bike into the back of the truck and drove him home.

While my brother was gone, I couldn't help but think....if this had been where I just moved from, the people would've told the kid he was on his own and sent him on his way. Either that or brought him home, yelled at the boys mother and called social services.

My challenge to you is this, no matter where you live, if you are able to, lend a helping hand to someone in need. Take a page out of the people I've encountered here's book. We all need to be more tolerant of each other. We're all in this life together and noone gets out alive!

I'm out of town this weekend, I'm taking my kids and fil to georgia to see tom, but I'll let you know how it went on Monday when I get back. Enjoy your weekend!

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A Fresh Start, A New Beginning?

So it's been a while since my last blog post and at the end of this post you'll understand why.

The past few months have been trying to say the least. I had my parents visiting from North Carolina, which was absolutly amazing! Went to see 3 new movies with my mother, The Karate Kid, Grown Ups (hilarious movie!), and Eclipse!!!!!!! For you Twilight fans out there that haven't seen the movie yet, I strongly recommend it, so far it's the best movie of the series. I honestly don't know how they're going to top it with Breaking Dawn.

I went to a family reunion at my aunts house in Albany in July. That was a blast SO many people there I haven't seen in years. Sue from Pennsylvania came up for the weekend to go with me. I always have so much fun with her. It's like we're thinking off the same brain. I only have one other friend like that and that's my childhood best friend Jenny.

Tom left for his training in Georgia. That was an emotional day. I had to say goodbye to my husband, and then an hour later say good bye to my parents as they left to go back home. And this is where the roller coaster ride begins lol. We had decided that we are NOT staying here while Tom's gone and that the best place for us was North Carolina closer to my parents. The original plan was to move in September. Then some issues with housing and money came up and we had to push the move up to August. Tom had told me that according to his orders, we were authorized a military move.

So, I called the dept I needed to to try to set that up and was told that according to his orders we were NOT authorized a military move. Of course, I fell apart. Tom then told me to go get a copy of his orders and bring it to transportation and have them read it themselves. So I did that, transportation said that we were authorized a military move, only Tom had put down the wrong address. So he had to send an email to get an amendment to his orders which he did. This past Thursday I went into transportation and set up our military move.

The movers will be here Monday to get my stuff and ship it to my parents house where me, the kids and Tom's father are going to stay until we get on our feet enough to get a place. My final clearing inspection for this place is on Thursday and we are on the road on Friday morning!

So finally, after all this hell, this nightmare of the past more than a year, I'm getting my fresh start and my new beginning and I'm going to do things differently this time. How you may ask? Well for starters, once I get my license back I'm going to go back to work. To me that's the first step in the Powell's new life. I've been raising my kids for 7 years and while I adore my children and wouldn't change anything for the world, I'm ready to get out of the house even for jsut a few hours a day and really feel like I'm contributing. After that, we'll see but I have very high hopes for a bright future....I think I've finally earned it!

I want to take this time to thank everyone, friends and family alike, who have been there with me through all the tough times. I honestly don't know how I would've gotten through any of this without you guys! This is not the end, but a new begining I'm ready to start my life the right way. I'll be blogging again, but I don't know when yet, I won't have internet access for a while. Until then keep your head held high, and keep a smile on your face no matter what's going on there will be better days! I love you all

Louise

Random Thoughts

I took my kids to the park yesterday. It was a gorgeous day, the sun was shining so I figured, living here you never know when it's going to be rainy and cold so I might as well enjoy the sunshine while I can. Once we got over there a whole bunch of kids there and a couple of the wives. Normally I'd bury myself in my book or make a call so I'd have an excuse to ignore them, I still have alot of trust issues after last time. But yesterday, I was in the mood for some adult interaction.

I got talkin to one of the wives and next thing I know over 2 hours had gone by. We talked about EVERYTHING. Mainly the challenges of being an army wife, shared different deployment stories, what our plans were for after the military. We even discovered that we have the same cleaning habits LOL! We also discovered she only lives right behind me so of course when leaving the park we went through the whole "we should get together sometime". And for the first time since all this DSS crap started, I actually meant it.

It's nice when you meet people in the same situation as you, and everyone says army wives have to stick together. During our conversation we met a woman with 3 kids, just moved into the housing complex and going through her first deployment. I really felt for her. While she was laughing and joking right along with us, I could still see a sadness in her eyes, and I remember all too well what she's feeling. The lonliness, overwhelmed, trying to be strong for her kids only to feel completly lost at night. I meant to give her my number yesterday but forgot, I'll have to remember to do that next time I see her. Everyone needs someone to lean on during these times. And I'm determined to be there for someone the way I needed someone to be there for me, only they weren't.

Unless you're in the military, you really can't fathom what we go through. You can sit here and read my blogs and get an idea of what it's like. But unless it happens to you there's no way to grasp the full impact of it. You truly are a single mom, only difference is you're married. But when our soldier is gone, everything is laid on us. The bills, the housework, the cooking, car maintnence minor repairs around the house, everything. It doesn't sound like much more than a normal housewife goes through but it gets lonely. Especially when stuff gets messed up and you feel like you have noone else to turn to because your spouse, your best friend, your partner, is off in another country risking his/her life every single day.

As far as Kuwait goes, the officer's are trying to fight it and make it so Tom comes back here. That'll be so much better. I can handle a week and a half or even 4 months, but another year might prove to be too much. We've started looking at places back home, but can't find anything within our price range that fits our needs. I'm excited to move but scared at the same time. Change is a very scary thing, and i know everyone goes through it and it's a part of life and all that, but I worry if we're still going to be able to support the kids.

I guess that's it for today, I'm thinking of going to have my coffee on the back porch and enjoy the sunshine before I start cleaning. If the weather is nice where you are, get out and do the same thing!

Day 3

Tom's been gone for field training since Monday. Even though it's only until Tuesday, I miss him like crazy! So do the kids. I'm having bedtime issues with them again, Connor's acting out real bad. They got mad at me cuz "Daddy went camping without them!" LOL I told them he didn't want to go camping either.

So far I've been ok, not staying up all night like I did when he was gone, making sure the kids get up for school. Been slacking on the cleaning a little, but I've had a killer toothache the past couple days. It's feeling much better today so I'm gonna do a overhaul on the house today once my phone is charged lol.

Nights are a little harder. Sue asked me the day Tom left if I was ok, I told her "bah a week and a half is a cake walk...I can handle it!" And for the most part, I can. I can cook, and clean and care for the kids the way I'm supposed to. I can make sure I go to bed at a decent hour, all stuff I had to litterally force myself to do while he was deployed. But, at night, when I'm in bed and it's just me and the dogs, I have the hardest time falling asleep.

I keep telling myself this is insane. He hasn't been gone that long and he'll be back next week. So why am I missing him so much? It's not like we've never been seperated before. He was in Iraq for close to a year for crying out loud! For all intents and purposes, this should be a cake walk. One advantage I have is I'm not about to shut down like I did last time. I know I can do the stuff I need to do to take care of my kids, and my house. It's just the lonliness I'm having a hard time with now.

I don't know really what I'm saying lol, just rambling really. It makes me think of when he leaves for Georgia. He's going to be gone for 4 months. Now the plan is for me to be in North Carolina with my parents for a month and a half of that. But that's not going to help with the lonliness. Tom and I have come so far these past few months. We're finally in a good place. So, in a way, this intense lonliness I'm feeling with him being gone is a releif. It proves to me that I do still love him. Proves that all of our problems in the past, don't matter now. I want him here, in my bed. I miss that I can't roll over at night and put my arm around him. Crazy I know but I feel like a newlywed again lol.

Short post I know, but I got a ton of crap I need to do today. I'll write more soon!

The Battle of Potty Training

All us parents have been there....the dreaded age of potty training! The training pants, the rushed trips to the potty, and the occasional accident. How do you handle it all? How do you make it come together? And every kid is different in so many ways!

With Lana, it was late but it was easy. She was 5 before she got fully potty trained (I know, I know shame on Mommy lol). But once she got started it was a breeze. Tom was deployed, it was in between paydays and I had run out of pullups. I refused to put a diaper on her cuz at the time Connor was still in diapers. So I told her that she had to start using the potty until payday because we were out of pullups (luckily I had a few pairs of undies hidden). She started using the potty and when payday rolled around she said she didn't want pullups, she wanted big girl underwear. And that was that, she doesn't even have accidents at night.

Connor is turning into a much different story. I really want him to start Kindergarten in the fall, and in order to do that he has to be potty trained, at least during the day. All this past week, with the pullups he's been doing great! He went in the bathroom all by himself, did his business and that was that. So Tom bought him superhero underwear last night and we tried him without the pullups today. It's only just after 11am and he has gone through 3 pair of undies! I finally put a pullup on him and told him when he proved to me that he could stay dry and go to the potty he could have his superhero underwear back.

Why is he all of a sudden peeing in his underwear? He was doing SO good with it I thought for sure this would be a breeze. I'm hoping to have him potty trained before Tom leaves for Georgia in July, but right now I'm so frustrated I wanna just give up! I'll welcome ANY tips or advice anyone may have, because right now, I'm at a loss! Tom leaves tomorrow morning for field training he'll be gone for a week and a half. That should be fun because Connor wants Daddy to take him in the potty most of the time. I hope ya'll enjoyed your weekend! Enjoy the sunshine!

The Life of an Army Wife

I found one of my friends blogs yesterday. She's a fellow army wife lives just down the street from me. So I was reading through her past blogs, and I came across one that talks about how hard a deployment is on the families of the soldiers. And I realized, I talk about my kids, my pets, how my father in law drives me insane, but I never really talk about what it's like to be the wife of a United States Army Soldier. So thanks for todays post inspiration.

The number one hardest thing on any military family is deployments. But I'm not here to talk about how hard it is on other military families, just mine. When Tom first joined the army, we were still living in North Carolina. He had basic training for 9 weeks, then he had AIT for four months. When he first joined, he was only reserves. After A.I.T, he came home and started to look for a job. Was very difficult when after only a month home, they decided to send him away for a month for something, I forgot what it was. When he came back, he still couldnt find a job, so I BEGGED him to go active duty full time. My brother in law was a recruiter so he was able to help us. After Tom signed the papers, he was stationed in Ft. Drum, NY. So he went first, the plan was for us to follow a few weeks later. But that fell through and I ended up staying with my parents for 2 or 3 months.

That time apart wasn't too bad, I had my parents there to help me. When I finally got to NY to reunite with my husband, I felt "well that was easy, I can handle a year long deployment." HA! I was wrong. About a year after we got here, he was deployed to Iraq. On our 6th wedding anniversary, Lana's 5th birthday was the day after. That was hard enough but I thought I was prepared after all that time apart. I was in for the shock of my life.

My marriage was never extremly strong, so I wasn't prepared for how much I actually missed him. The first month he was gone, I'd cry myself to sleep at night, wake up in the morning with tear stained eyes. All the while trying not to let the kids see me fall apart because they missed they're daddy too. I'd hear our wedding song and fall apart, and forget about Toby Keith's "American Soldier". The first line of that song still brings tears to my eyes. "I'm just tryin to be a father, raise a daughter and a son. Be a lover to their mother, everything to everyone." I felt like Toby Keith was in my head when he wrote that. I remember one day calling my mother hysterical in tears "Mom, I can't do this I need him here." My mother was absolutly amazing during that time. She'd laugh with me, cry with me. And I can't imagine it was very easy for her. Having her only daughter, her baby, so far away in so much pain. And of course, as I mentioned in a previous blog, I completly shut down.

I didn't even celebrate Christmas that year, I just didn't have it in me. I didn't get a tree, didn't decorate. Christmas dinner for me and my kids was at a local diner. The food sucked but it was the only place open that day. I was jealous of all the families that had they're spouses home that year. I was very angry. Luckily, with Tom's job I was able to talk to him every day, but it didn't help much. With the time difference he had to go to bed much earlier than me.

But, he came home. And when he did, just as my friend said, I felt like I had the life breathed back into me. Which at the time, I didn't understand. See, a couple weeks before he came home, he told me he wanted a divorce. We had been fighting for a while, and the Dss thing didn't help matters at all. I guess he felt he just didn't have it in him to fight anymore. At the time he told me I'll never forget his words "I'm emotionally detached, in my mind I'm single". Thank god for my mom and one of my best friends Sue during that time. I can remember one night, sitting on the floor, hystericall, unable to pick myself up, calling Sue on Skype and rambling incoherently.

The day he came home, it was August so Lana was home from school. We had decided not to tell the kids yet until we knew for sure what we were doing. I remember opening the door, and seeing him there in his black button down shirt, and black jeans and thinking "wow, i love this man". And Lana's face lit up as she jumped into his arms. It was Connor's first day of preschool, so Tom decided to ride with us to go pick him up. The kids had NO idea he was coming home.

We got to the school, and we were told the kids were outside playing. So we went out back to the playground. Connor was playing on the slide and didn't see us right away. So Tom started to walk toward the slide. Connor then turned around and saw him. At first, he just stood there, cocking his head to one side, then the other, until he decided to come get a closer look. So he got off the slide and started walking. The closer he got to Tom, I noticed his lower lip start to quiver. About half way over to him he just lifted his arms up, lower lip still quivering. Tom then picked him up and Connor wrapped his little arms so tight around his neck and held on so tight that I thought he was going to choke him. There wasn't a dry eye on that playground that day. And that is one memory that I will take to my grave with me as one of my favorite memories of all time. Everytime I think about it I still get a lump in my throat.

Now, we're on the verge of doing it all over again. Tom leaves in July for Georgia for 4 more months of training, then after he gets back, we're told he's going to Kuwait for a year. I'm dreading it. An Army wife once told me that the first deployment is always the easiest to get through. If that's true, and I was so bad last time, what's it gonna be like this time? We have a plan this time though. I'm going to take the kids and move back to our hometown where I have 90% of my family and almost ALL of my friends that I grew up with. We think it'll help me better having a big support system closeby to help me through the rough times. But damn, Tom and I are finally in a good place. Losing him again is going to about kill me. But, that's all part of life in the military. You have to deal with not seeing your spouse, or loved one for days, weeks sometimes even months or years at a time. That's probably why they say military wives are the strongest women out there. Speaking for myeself, everyone kept telling me how strong I was, but at the time I didn't feel it. I felt weak, like I didn't know how I was going to go on. That year he was gone proved to me how much I loved him and how no problem is too small to fight for if you truly feel you've found a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Such a great day!

Today, Lana had a Mother's Day Tea party at her school. She's been talking about it for 2 weeks! I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it due to transportation issues, but between Tom and I we worked it out. I wouldn't have bene able to handle the heartbroken look on her face if I hadn't been able to make it. When she started school I swore that that I was going to be as involved as possible in her school activities. I really wanted to be one of those hands on parents. Unfortunatly, life happened and that's not always possible. But being only 6, she doesn't understand that. So I was very glad when I was able to go today.

So, I get to the school and waited outside her class. The minute she saw me her little brown eyes lit up and totally melted my heart. After we got to our seats, the kindergarteners went up to the carpet and sang 2 songs and a poem. It was SO cute. Lana didn't take her eyes off me the whole time. After the performance, we sat down and were served tea and cupcakes that the kids made the day before.

After our snack, we went to the carpet and listened to a story. It was called "I'll Love You Forever" It's about how a mother loves her child no matter how old he/she gets. By the end of the story I was crying. I was thinking about a few different things. First I was thinking about both of my children, I was told that I'd never be able to conceive children naturally. So my kids truly are miracles that I thank God for every day. I was also thinking about my mother and how much I miss her. My last thought of course, was of my mother in law, and how much I still miss her.

It's nice when our kids do stuff for us, so this mother day whether your mother is alive or with you in spirit, make sure you let her know how much you love her and how much you appreciate everything she's done for you.

Happy Mothers day to all you mommies out there!

The Past

I know it's been a while since my last post, as one of my friends reminded me of this afternoon. There's been a bit going on here, which I'll get into at some point...but not right now. Anyway, I told this friend that I was having "writer's block", I couldn't seem to think of anything I wanted to write about. I'm still a bit new to this blogging thing, I tend to censor myself alot.

Anyway, she then started asking me about my first date. Which got me thinking. I never really had a real first date until after Tom and I started dating. At least none of the guys I dated before ever really felt like a date before him. As alot of you know, I was 20 years old when I married Tom. Which means I've been with him for the majority of my adult life. As I was telling her about my first date with Tom I got thinking back to the details of that night. I guess you could call it the night that started it all.

We had already been "together" for about a week. We decided to get involved in a relationship at a party my brother was throwing about a month after I got back from Hawaii (that's a whole other blog post lol). I've known Tom since I was about 14. He was a close friend of my brothers. But until that party I never looked at him as more than a friend of my family's. I'll still never figure out what about that night changed things. I just remember a mutual friend telling me I should flirt with him. And I had enough to drink at that point where I was like "sure why not". I never intended it to turn into anything until he kissed me. You know how in the movies the first kiss is always so amazing? You see fireworks and the romantic music is playing, the kind that makes your heart all warm and fuzzy? Well, at the risk of sounding corny that's what it was like the first time Tom kissed me. At that moment I knew I had found something truly special.

Anyway, that first date we went to this local Italian restaraunt called LaBella's. It's not a fancy gourmet restaraunt or anything (but he did take me to a 5 star restaraunt our first Valentines day together, he used to work there lol), but the food was always amazing. I had this angelhair pasta in a white wine sauce, but the sauce was pink, with shrimp. It was SO good lol. Tom, being your typical man, stuck with pizza and beer. I was a little nervous, but I just kept telling myself that he was the same man I've known for years. Once I realized that, it was like talking to an old friend. We laughed about how funny it was that we ended up together. Before he only saw me as a little sister type. He used to get on me for not doing my homework, or failing my classes. By the end of the night I was almost positive that he was the man I was meant to spend my life with.

And here we are, 7 and a half years later, 2 kids, still together, still mostly in love. As my friend had me thinking of that night, I couldn't help but think about the guys I dated before Tom. Of course being young, at least when I was young, I didn't really know what romance was. And to be honest I didn't really know what self worth was. Alot of my boyfriends I met at parties, had more one night stands than I care to admit. One serious long-term relationship before Tom, which ended with me getting my heart broken and my brother chasing him with crutches.

And then, here comes Tom. Totally unlike any other guy I dated, he was much older. But he was smart, and funny. I loved his smartass, dry I guess you could say, sense of humor. The man can find a joke in almost anything. I loved his smile, and his eyes. I remember when I was pregnant with Connor praying that he got Tom's eyes and smile. Which thankfully, he did. I'm not really sure what the point of this blog is, Just some thoughts i was gettin out of my brain lol. Get out and enjoy the sunshine.

OMG! I've been domesticated!

Yes, it's happened. I've become *dun dun dun* a real and true housewife! OH THE HORROR! LOL.

It all started the day before yesterday. Tom and I were grocery shopping at Walmart and I went into the carpet care aisle to get my carpet shampoo. Lookin through the different brands and strengths (i'm picky about my carpet shampoo lol), my eye falls on a Dirt Devil Spot cleaner for 30 bucks. I've been bugging Tom for one so I can stop having to lug my heavy shampooer up the stairs every weekend. He kept telling me they were too expensive and I'd just have to deal with it.

After spotting this machine, I scanned the box and discovered it was exactly what I needed! I almost grabbed it but decided against it figuring Tom would probably kill me. He hates when I grab extra stuff when shopping, which is why he doesn't take me with him very much lol. I finished my part of the shopping and went to the check out. We left the store and came home, I had forgotten about the dirt devil.

Then yesterday, Tom goes to work and we start our texting back and forth like we always do. I suddenly remembered it and told him about it. He didn't say anything until he got home. Once we got the kids in bed he asked his dad to watch them and him and I went to walmart to get it! I was actually excited about that. But what excited me even more was he bought me new sheets for our bed.

When I woke up this morning, and started reading the instructions on my dirt devil it hit me. I've been domesticated! I actually get excited when Tom buys me new cleaning appliances and stuff that makes my job easy. When I was growing up I swore I'd never get excited about stuff like that. I also get excited about new cleaning chemicals that actually work. I'm always looking for ways to make my house cleaner.

I'm not complaining about it either. I couldn't be happier with how my life is right now. Especially when all my hard work gets noticed. Like the other day, noone felt like cooking so we decided to order pizza for dinner. Lana comes out and asks Tom if she can eat her pizza in the living room. And much to my suprise, he looked right at her and said "No, because Mommy works very hard to keep the couches and carpets looking pretty and your not gonna mess them up." That one line right there almost made me cry. Very rarley does he make comments like that, or even seem to notice how hard I actually work. So the fact that he actually showed that he appreciated it was almost as romantic as the 4 times he asked me to marry him lol.

Yes, life definatly seems to be improving. I actually enjoy spending time with Tom now, I enjoy taking the kids outside on a sunny day. Maybe Tom leaving again won't be as bad as I thought. Maybe I really will be ok. I'm off now to play with my new toy! LOL see ya'll next time!

Wednesday or Thursday...I can't remember what day it is lol

(my adorable dog Mea)

This week is just flying by! And my morning has already started off WONDERFUL *rolls eyes*. I woke up at 6:30am, and got Lana ready for school, about 8am we were on our way out the door to wait for her bus. I didn't know that the cats had dumped they're water dish on the kitchen floor....until i slipped in it! I went down, slammed my bad knee on the floor, and dumped an entire cup of coffee on the floor lol.

So now my knee is killing me, which gives me an excuse to NOT clean today! YAY! a day off lol. Not that it had to be done anyway, I cleaned from top to bottom yesterday in preperation for my caseworker for DSS due sometime this week. It usually stays pretty clean during the week since both kids are gone a majority of the day. It's weekends it usually gets messed up. Maybe that'll change now that the weather is nice.

So, I went to one of my neighbors house for coffee the other day, our girls are close friends so we got close. Anyway, I walk up to her door and see she's standing outside with a couple of the housing people. They were handing out letters for this information meeting they're having about the housing transition. She tells me since I'm already there she'll hand me my letter now. Then asked if Tom's dad was still with us. I said yes and she just said "oh ok" So i'm wondering if this housing mess is over! That would be such a huge relief!

I've been catching up on my reading latley. Currently I'm working on a book called Vampire Acedemy. It is such a good book! I can't wait to start the next one. I've also been reading A book by Keri Arthur called Full Moon Rising. Again another good book. I'm starting to really get into vampire books and stuff like that. Guess we can blame the Twilight Saga for that one lol. These new authors are putting a new twist on vampires and I find it extremly intresting. Not all would agree, Tom for example. He doesn't like how they're changing how vampires are viewed. But everyones allowed to have they're own opinion. Mine is that I love what these authors are trying to do. To have a different view on things is good.

I guess that's all for today, I'll write again when I can actually think of something to write about lol. Things have been pretty calm here latley!

Help

Before I start on today's topic I wanna say thank you. A friend of mine emailed me yesterday and told me she's been reading my blogs and suggested I should try writing a book. I wanna say thank you Peggy for that wonderful compliment. It's good to know my words are getting read, but that's not the reason I do this. Still good to know people are reading:) On to todays topic.

I was talking to my sister the other day on Yahoo. She told me about this woman she met a few days before while out running errands. This woman is a military wife like myself and in quite a predicament. Her husband is currently stationed in Kwuait and his mother passed away. Having just lost my mother in law, I could already relate to what this poor woman was dealing with, only she was on her own. Now I don't know how many of you readers are military spouses, past or present, but let me tell you a little bit about the process when a death in the family occurs.

When someone in your family dies, whether the soldier is home or abroad, you have to get ahold of the Red Cross to get an emergency message to the soldier. My family has had to do this twice, once 2 years ago when Tom's brother died, and then last month when Ma passed. You need the soldiers rank, unit phone number, his CO's (Commanding officers name). Plus you need the hospital the family member passed away in, and the dr's information so they can confirm the death.

Once all that information is given to the Red Cross, you then have to wait for them to get the message to the soldier. I don't know exactly how that works when the soldier is deployed elsewhere, but when we had to do it for Tom, we had to wait for the Red Cross to contact his CO and then for his CO to contact us to approve his leave. It was a difficult process, I can't imagine what this woman was feeling waiting.

But it gets worse for this poor woman. She then gets a call informing her that they cannot find her husband. So now she's in this base, in a place she doesn't know, asking ANYONE she can find for help in finding her husband. My heart really goes out to this woman in everything she's going through right now. Please I ask that you pray for this woman, whose name I don't even know, in hopes that her husband is returned to her safely in this time where they need each other most.

Now, I heard once that military wives are some of the strongest in the world. And in alot of ways that's true. We as military spouses, have alot more to deal with than civilian spouses. Now, in no way am I saying a civilian spouse's job is any less difficult. But, we have to deal with not seeing our spouse for days, weeks, months, sometimes even years. Some military spouses don't know where they're spouse is, or what they're doing. I had a neighbor once whose husband was deployed to Afghanistan and because of his job, she only got one 8 minute phonecall a month. I was fortunate enough to that, Tom's job being computers, I was able to talk to him almost every day for however long it took him to fall asleep after work.

I know alot of you out there don't support this war we're in, and while I myself don't agree with it either, I do support our troops, and I support my husband. So whether you agree with the war or not, please take a moment to pray for this womans family, and for all of our soldiers over there today, away from they're families. I'm going to post something below that I found. It's called the Army Wife Creed. Enjoy your day!

I am the wife of an American Soldier.

I am a supporter of the United States Army-an encouragment for the protectors of the greatest nation on earth.

Because I am proud of my husband and the uniform he wears, I will always act in ways

credible to him, the military service, and the nation he is sworn to guard.

I am proud of my husband. I will do all that I can to protect, and provide for my family in his absence. I will be loyal to my husband and the vows that we made as we entered the covanent of marriage.

I will do my full part to carry on the goals and values we have set apart for our family and I will continue to instruct our children in the same manner.
As a soldiers wife, I realize that I play a vital role in my husbands decision to become a member of a time-honored profession-that I am doing my share to keep alive the principles of freedom,

for which my country stands.

No matter what situation I'm in, I will never do anything for pleasure, profit, or personal safety, which will disgrace my husband, his uniform or our country.

I will use every means I have to encourage my husband to be the best soldier he can be.
I am proud of my husband, my country and its flag.

I will fly the flag and always remember the sacrifices made by my husband and by generations of men and women that have served our beloved country.

I will try to make my husband proud of the manner in which I accept his decision to defend my freedom and the freedom of all American citizens-

for I am the wife of an American Soldier.

Corny I know, but this creed means the world to me.

Morning

So yesterday, I looked at the calendar and realized that Sunday was the 18th. It would've been Ma's 72nd birthday. I still miss her every day. There's not a day that goes by where I don't look at my phone waiting for her to call, then feel the lump in my throat when I realize she's not going to call. Yet, I can't bring myself to change the entry in my phone that says Ma in Law whenever that number calls. I realize I have alot of regrets when it comes to her. I wish I had answered the phone more, told her how much she meant to me more. I wish I could've taken better care of her. Tom feels the same way. He got tears in his eyes the other day and just looked at me and said "My mom is gone, she's never going to call me again." We still have alot of her stuff in our garage from when she lived here. I can't bring myself to go through it, but it's probably time. Maybe this weekend Tom and I can do it together.

He went back in front of the promotion board on Tuesday. He failed it again. They gave him the benefit of the doubt this time because of everything that's been going on, losing Ma and my surgery and all this housing crap. They said that board preperation was probably the last thing on his mind. The problem is, he knows his stuff, everything he has to know to go in front of the board, then when he gets there in front of the committee, he freezes up. I don't know how to help him. He's tried picturing other people there, picturing him just sitting at the table with us. Nothing works. He's SUPPOSED to go back next month, but they don't know because he has field training for 2 weeks next month. He'll be gone on my birthday again, not that that's a big deal, I'll be 28 the time for getting excited about my birthday has passed lol. At least it's not one of the kids birthdays.

Shortly after he gets back from training, he will be leaving for Georgia for 4 months. And I gotta tell ya, I'm scared to DEATH of him leaving again. When he deployed, as I mentioned the other day, I didn't handle it very well. There's no need to go back through that whole story again. What if that happens again? What if I shut down again? What if this time, DSS isn't as forgiving and I lose my kids. What if housing decides that's the perfect time to come mess with me and I don't have Tom here to protect me and tell me it's ok? There are so many thoughts and feelings running through my head and I can't seem to get them all out. I'd like to think I've accomplished alot in the last year, and that I've gotten stronger. But what if that's just wishful thinking? I do feel alot stronger than I ever have before. But what if that all comes crashing down when he leaves again? What if just like last time, he decides he wants to end our marriage again?

And those are just the internal questions. We have no clue what's happening when he gets back. Are we staying in Ft. Drum or will we get stationed somewhere else? It wouldn't be so bad if we got North Carolina, or somewhere I have people I know. But what if we get somewhere I've never been before? Or another country? Then what? So many questions I'm not sure when I'm going to get the answer too.

I guess I'll go clean and clear my head....sorry it's depressing today lol I'll be more cheerful next time

Louise

Back to School!

Well, I survived spring break.....didn't think i'd do it. It was an insane week lol. I spent all day Saturday shampooing my upstairs carpets, I find with the animals I have to do that about once a week. It helps keep the smell to a minimum. Then Sunday I did the downstairs, the couches and carpet. They're finally starting to look as good as it did before my surgery. So, last night, I go upstairs to do the bath, storytime and bedtime thing with the kids, and discover that my carpets are a mess again because of the dogs (we're dogsitting til like Thursday). I sat down, right there on Lana's bedroom floor and started crying. I just felt like "what's the point of all this work?" I work all day everyday trying to keep this place clean and suitable for kids.

Anyway, Tom comes upstairs and asks me what was wrong, he thought I overdid it and was in alot of pain. I just looked at him and said "that's it! all the animals are going! I can't take it anymore!" He looked at me with wide eyes, turned around and went back downstairs. After I calmed down and came back downstairs he looked at me and said "You're not really gonna make me get rid of Mea are you?" Of course I'm not gonna make him get rid of Mea. I'm as attached to that dog as he is. It's just frustrating is all. I am trying to talk him into keeping just the dog and one cat and getting rid of the rest. That would make my life SO much easier. He doesn't seem opposed to the idea and we've agreed on one cat, Ewok, she hates people anyway. The other one I wanna get rid of, Spaz, is the mama cat to Garfield and Ewok. She's gonna be harder to convince him, and I don't want to get rid of her either but it's either her or Garfield and there's no way in hell he's gonna part with Garfield, or Mea. I wouldn't ask him to part with Mea, she's too sweet of a dog to see go anywhere else.

As far as the housing situation goes, there's not much of a change there. We're still going to try to stay here. It's more affordable with our scarce funds right now. And we just tried again to enroll his father in DEERS, we figure it should go through this time because his unemployment checks stopped so he has no income. From my understanding, if we can get his father in DEERS, he'll be a dependant of Tom's and then the military can't say anything about him being here. So, fingers crossed that my family FINALLY gets a break. We could certainly use it.

I'd post more but i have alot to do today, no cleaning, just some research that needs to be done for certain things. So I'm going to get to it. Enjoy your day!

Louise

FRIDAY!!!!

Two more days until it's back to school. Thank god! My kids have been driving me nuts all week lol. They were fighting and whining and into EVERYTHING! I'll be glad when Monday comes and I get a few hours of peace and quiet.

Just a quick thought. On another blogging type site that I'm part of yesterday someone made a judgmental comment to one of my friends about something major that she's going through. In her defense one of my other friends posted a blog about how you should really think before you say or do something to somebody else. It REALLY had me thinking, all day and most of the night really, about why people feel the need to judge others before they know crap about them or they're entire situation. I've had it happen to me over a year ago and I'm still trying to put my life back together from the damage this person caused.

When Tom deployed, I didn't handle it very well at all. It wasn't just that they deployed him on our anniversary, or the day before Lana's birthday, it was that he wasnt HERE. It was a major shock to me. He had been gone before so I thought I'd be used to it. I was no where near prepared for what it was really like to have the man I married, the man I pledged my life too, not sharing a bed with me for a whole year. I literally shut down. I didn't clean, barley did anything with my kids. I just went through the motions to make sure they're most basic needs were met. I had trouble sleeping at night, so I didn't do much of that, which means when I did sleep I overslept so Lana missed a ton of school. I found out much later that this was caused by a form of depression that causes me to shut down and give up when I get overwhelmed, but I didn't know that at the time.

One of my neighbors (I'll never really know who), took it upon themselves to report me to DSS (Social Services) for neglecting my children. The following year was absolute hell for my family and myself. I came very close to losing my children. I had to have a psych evaluation (which is how we found out about the depression), Lana even had to have one! We found out she has Generalized Anxiety Disorder with features of depression, at 6! The therapist said it was partly caused by my not being able to support her and be there for her the way I should've been. They ended up sending Tom home from Iraq 2 months early. Of course he was furious with me for screwing up so badly and I don't blame him. It came very close to ending my marriage. We ended up in court where I had to admit everything publically and it's now on public record until Connor is 18. I still have DSS checking up on me once a month. Which is alot of the reason I'm so crazy about my housework.

Tom was told by his command, that because of this, we had to move a family member in to help out. So we moved his father in, I wasn't thrilled about this decision but I knew it was neccessary to fix what I had broken. Apparently there was some request form we were supposed to fill out with the military to approve this "guest" that we didn't know about so we didn't do it. Well again, one of my neighbors (probably the same one...who knows) reported us to the housing department for having an "unauthorized guest". So now we have them on our back trying to evict us.

If this person whoever turned me in, had just come and checked on me, offered to help rather than taking it upon themselves to judge me....NONE of this would've happened. We wouldn't have eviction swinging over our heads, I wouldn't have DSS knocking on my door once a month, and my marriage wouldn't have been in shambles, leaving me unsure as to whether or not it could be saved. And most importantly I wouldn't be constantly paranoid and afraid that someone was going to walk in here and take my children from me every second of every day. All of this because ONE person decided to judge me before they really knew me or my situation. So please, please, PLEASE be careful when you judge another person, there could be ALOT more going on than you really know. I try really hard not to judge other people before I know them, but even I admit I'm guilty of it from time to time. Fact of life I guess......

There's SO much more I could write on that topic and what's happened to me. But remembering what I went through is making me tear up now. To think that people out there are so cruel and heartless that they feel the need to try to ruin someone else's life just because they don't like them for whatever reason........Anyway, I'm changing the subject.

Last night, Tom had Staff Duty. Basically all he does is goes and sits at a desk and waits for the phone to ring all night. Anyway he comes home last night for dinner break and hands me a paper from the housing people that own our house thingy....for once it was good news! The contract that the place we live at now with the military ends in September and all these houses are going to turn into private rentals. We were waiting to see what the new rent was goin to be before we decided if we were going to move or not ( before all this housing crap started). Well, we got that letter yesterday. The rent is not going to change and the new landlord will continue to pay all utilities. This means that if we stay here, absolutly nothing will change. So Tom and I spent his hour dinner break talking about our options. And I think we've decided that we're going to TRY to hold the military housing off until the contract ends in September and we can sign the new lease October 1st. If we can do that, we'll put his dad on the lease and we'll be covered. And free of all this beaurocratic military bullshit we're going through now. Please guys, please pray that for once, this works out the way we want it to. I don't know how many more blows I can take. These brick walls are really starting to hurt.

That's all for today, enjoy your weekend!
Louise

It's Wednesday

Yep, it's Hump day again! My kids have been on vacation all week and I'm half gray already lol. They go back on Monday thank god they are driving me insane! Lana has this friend at school, and her mother sent a note home with her phone number to set up a playdate. Lana drives me nuts everyday wantin to go over to this little girls house. So I try to call this girls mother and she won't return my call. How rude!

I went to the dr last week. It was my post op appointment after my surgery. He told me that the pain I was feeling was normal. He said the stones were bigger than he thought they were originally so he had to make a bigger incision on the inside. He told me to start easing back into my normal routine. So last weekend I shampooed my entire house from top to bottom lol.

Alot of you know that I like to play with pictures. Well, I've gotten so good that I'm doing my kids school pictures myself to save a few bucks, as you know we REALLY need the money. Lana's school does pictures twice a year. So I did they're fall pictures in October, and yesterday I took they're spring pictures. I have to say this round of pictures came out SO much better than the last round! I'll post them at the bottom of this post.

It's been a month since we lost Ma. I can't beleive it. It feels like she just called me the other day. It's starting to hit Tom too, I mentioned this lilac air freshener we have, Lilac was Ma's favorite scent. He got emotional, I found him in the hallway crying. It broke my heart but I knew he needed it. He hasn't cried since she died.

The army figured out they've been overpaying Tom. He was getting deployment pay up until about 2 months ago. So now they're taking so much out of his check each month until it's paid back. This is NOT the time for them to do this, but there's not much we can do about it. I've been talking to Tom about me going back to work, but right now there's no way I can. I'm sure we'll figure it out, we always do.

Short one I know, but i couldn't think of what to write lol there hasn't really been much goin on. Until next time guys!

Good Morning!

Good morning world! It's Thursday, one day closer to Friday! Not that it matters to me I don't work outside the home lol. Lana's school has a half day today and tomorrow then she's off all next week. I kept her out today because I have a doctors appointment this morning and I'll have no one here to get her off the bus, of course Tom couldn't get time off so when he comes home for morning break my father in law is going to have to take him back so he can have the car to drive me to the doctor. It's so frustrating not having a license. I keep asking Tom to take me to the DMV so I can find out what I gotta do to get my license back, but he keeps saying he's too busy at work. Oh well, I'll get there someday. I already know they're going to want a ton of money that I don't have right now anyway.

As far as my surgery, I think I'm healing ok. I was havin some bad pain yesterday, the small area around my belly button felt like I had just had my surgery like 3 days ago instead of 2 weeks ago. And ever since my surgery I've been having pains in my side. At least I go to the doctor today so I can find out if this stuff is normal. It could be me exaggerating things a little. It's no secret that I have a pretty low pain threshold. My mother was relieved that my kids were born C-section, she said I couldn't handle being in labor for hours LOL. She's probably right, I complain about every little thing that hurts.

I met Lana's "boyfriend" yesterday lol. I had to pick her up from school because she had an appointment with her therapist. So we're walking down the hallway and she's introducing me to all of her classmates. We walk past this little boy and she says "by the way Mommy, this is Matthew." He looks up at me and says "I have a Spiderman umbrella." LOL!

Last night, I made the very hard decision to sell my Ipod Touch. Now everyone who knows me knows I love this thing. I've wanted one since they came out and Tom got it for me for Christmas. But, we definatly need the extra money right now and my phone does the exact same thing with a bigger memory. I made a deal with Ej, my brother, and he's gonna buy it as a "loan with collateral" as he put it. If I ever want it back I just gotta give him the money back. I feel a little bit better knowing it's going to family but still upsetting when you have to do something like that. I really wish we could hit the lottery but I know there's as much chance of that as there is of me becomming the Queen of England LOL!

Well that's all for today, I'm out of coffee and cigarettes so I can't be creative lol. Everyone enjoy your day!

Louise