I've received a few emails asking what I've been upto since I haven't blogged since idk when. So, I guess I should take a few minutes to tell ya'll what I've been up to.
The last few months have been so much better than the last year, but not without difficulty or change. As you all know I arrived in NC safe and sound and have moved into my own house. I absolutly LOVE my house. It's a beautiful 3 bedroom house with a fenced in backyard. I'm happier than I have been in a long time. It's all hardwood floors and tile so easier to keep clean which makes it GREAT for me LOL.
Tom's home on leave til January where he leaves for Kuwait for a year. When I went to pick him up I was wandering around waiting for him to finish some briefing he had to do and discovered that if I get my GED the army will pay for career training for up to 4k. So I'm working on that. I try to study a little bit every day. THere's no date for the test set yet, but I'll keep you posted.
I also found church. I've been going to this great church with my dad where the people are amazing and so supportive. In October, I was baptized as a follower of Christ. And I have to say honestly, I feel so much more relaxed and at peace. I feel like I can handle almost anything life has to throw at me with strength and courage.
Now for the biggest change. The doctor told my mother that she has to lose serious amounts of weight or she's in real danger. That scared me enough to motivate myself to get healthy with her. So I've started a diet and weight loss program and am aiming to lose 66 pounds by November of 2011. I'm going to need all your support to stay motivated as many of you know, I get bored very easily lol.
I found a great site for support called sparks people. You can track your nutrition and excercise routine. I try for 20 minutes of cardio and strength training, and 10 minutes of yoga every day. As I start to lose more I'll probably increase that. Alot of my future blogs will probably be tracking my weight loss and such. Maybe even post pictures once in a while as to my progress lol.
We're doing Christmas at my house this year. I'm going to attempt to cook my first Christmas dinner. My parents are going to come as well as my brother I'm very excited for it!
Well that's it for now! I'll try to remember to blog more often, but if not just kick me every once in a while and say "HEY DUMBASS....BLOG!!!!" LMFAO. I love and miss you all and I wish you all a safe and happy Holiday!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The Differences
Ok so I've been in NC for almost a week now. So far I've felt 10 times more relaxed than ever. The people here are so laid back, which I've already experienced having lived here before. They are always ready to offer a smile, or kind word whether they know you or not.
So today, I was chillin in the pool with my family when all of a sudden this little boy wanders into the back yard. He couldn't have been more than 12. Keep in mind that the temperature was 95 with a heat index of 107. He tells us he just moved into the area and had been riding his bike when he got lost. The poor kid's face was flushed, he was sweating and looked like he may have had the start of heat exhaustion. I got out of the pool and got him a cold drink and had him sit in the shade.
My brother got out and we found the directions to where he said he lived. Turns out he was only 5 minutes out of the way so my brother loaded his bike into the back of the truck and drove him home.
While my brother was gone, I couldn't help but think....if this had been where I just moved from, the people would've told the kid he was on his own and sent him on his way. Either that or brought him home, yelled at the boys mother and called social services.
My challenge to you is this, no matter where you live, if you are able to, lend a helping hand to someone in need. Take a page out of the people I've encountered here's book. We all need to be more tolerant of each other. We're all in this life together and noone gets out alive!
I'm out of town this weekend, I'm taking my kids and fil to georgia to see tom, but I'll let you know how it went on Monday when I get back. Enjoy your weekend!
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Saturday, July 31, 2010
A Fresh Start, A New Beginning?
So it's been a while since my last blog post and at the end of this post you'll understand why.
The past few months have been trying to say the least. I had my parents visiting from North Carolina, which was absolutly amazing! Went to see 3 new movies with my mother, The Karate Kid, Grown Ups (hilarious movie!), and Eclipse!!!!!!! For you Twilight fans out there that haven't seen the movie yet, I strongly recommend it, so far it's the best movie of the series. I honestly don't know how they're going to top it with Breaking Dawn.
I went to a family reunion at my aunts house in Albany in July. That was a blast SO many people there I haven't seen in years. Sue from Pennsylvania came up for the weekend to go with me. I always have so much fun with her. It's like we're thinking off the same brain. I only have one other friend like that and that's my childhood best friend Jenny.
Tom left for his training in Georgia. That was an emotional day. I had to say goodbye to my husband, and then an hour later say good bye to my parents as they left to go back home. And this is where the roller coaster ride begins lol. We had decided that we are NOT staying here while Tom's gone and that the best place for us was North Carolina closer to my parents. The original plan was to move in September. Then some issues with housing and money came up and we had to push the move up to August. Tom had told me that according to his orders, we were authorized a military move.
So, I called the dept I needed to to try to set that up and was told that according to his orders we were NOT authorized a military move. Of course, I fell apart. Tom then told me to go get a copy of his orders and bring it to transportation and have them read it themselves. So I did that, transportation said that we were authorized a military move, only Tom had put down the wrong address. So he had to send an email to get an amendment to his orders which he did. This past Thursday I went into transportation and set up our military move.
The movers will be here Monday to get my stuff and ship it to my parents house where me, the kids and Tom's father are going to stay until we get on our feet enough to get a place. My final clearing inspection for this place is on Thursday and we are on the road on Friday morning!
So finally, after all this hell, this nightmare of the past more than a year, I'm getting my fresh start and my new beginning and I'm going to do things differently this time. How you may ask? Well for starters, once I get my license back I'm going to go back to work. To me that's the first step in the Powell's new life. I've been raising my kids for 7 years and while I adore my children and wouldn't change anything for the world, I'm ready to get out of the house even for jsut a few hours a day and really feel like I'm contributing. After that, we'll see but I have very high hopes for a bright future....I think I've finally earned it!
I want to take this time to thank everyone, friends and family alike, who have been there with me through all the tough times. I honestly don't know how I would've gotten through any of this without you guys! This is not the end, but a new begining I'm ready to start my life the right way. I'll be blogging again, but I don't know when yet, I won't have internet access for a while. Until then keep your head held high, and keep a smile on your face no matter what's going on there will be better days! I love you all
Louise
The past few months have been trying to say the least. I had my parents visiting from North Carolina, which was absolutly amazing! Went to see 3 new movies with my mother, The Karate Kid, Grown Ups (hilarious movie!), and Eclipse!!!!!!! For you Twilight fans out there that haven't seen the movie yet, I strongly recommend it, so far it's the best movie of the series. I honestly don't know how they're going to top it with Breaking Dawn.
I went to a family reunion at my aunts house in Albany in July. That was a blast SO many people there I haven't seen in years. Sue from Pennsylvania came up for the weekend to go with me. I always have so much fun with her. It's like we're thinking off the same brain. I only have one other friend like that and that's my childhood best friend Jenny.
Tom left for his training in Georgia. That was an emotional day. I had to say goodbye to my husband, and then an hour later say good bye to my parents as they left to go back home. And this is where the roller coaster ride begins lol. We had decided that we are NOT staying here while Tom's gone and that the best place for us was North Carolina closer to my parents. The original plan was to move in September. Then some issues with housing and money came up and we had to push the move up to August. Tom had told me that according to his orders, we were authorized a military move.
So, I called the dept I needed to to try to set that up and was told that according to his orders we were NOT authorized a military move. Of course, I fell apart. Tom then told me to go get a copy of his orders and bring it to transportation and have them read it themselves. So I did that, transportation said that we were authorized a military move, only Tom had put down the wrong address. So he had to send an email to get an amendment to his orders which he did. This past Thursday I went into transportation and set up our military move.
The movers will be here Monday to get my stuff and ship it to my parents house where me, the kids and Tom's father are going to stay until we get on our feet enough to get a place. My final clearing inspection for this place is on Thursday and we are on the road on Friday morning!
So finally, after all this hell, this nightmare of the past more than a year, I'm getting my fresh start and my new beginning and I'm going to do things differently this time. How you may ask? Well for starters, once I get my license back I'm going to go back to work. To me that's the first step in the Powell's new life. I've been raising my kids for 7 years and while I adore my children and wouldn't change anything for the world, I'm ready to get out of the house even for jsut a few hours a day and really feel like I'm contributing. After that, we'll see but I have very high hopes for a bright future....I think I've finally earned it!
I want to take this time to thank everyone, friends and family alike, who have been there with me through all the tough times. I honestly don't know how I would've gotten through any of this without you guys! This is not the end, but a new begining I'm ready to start my life the right way. I'll be blogging again, but I don't know when yet, I won't have internet access for a while. Until then keep your head held high, and keep a smile on your face no matter what's going on there will be better days! I love you all
Louise
Friday, May 21, 2010
Random Thoughts
I took my kids to the park yesterday. It was a gorgeous day, the sun was shining so I figured, living here you never know when it's going to be rainy and cold so I might as well enjoy the sunshine while I can. Once we got over there a whole bunch of kids there and a couple of the wives. Normally I'd bury myself in my book or make a call so I'd have an excuse to ignore them, I still have alot of trust issues after last time. But yesterday, I was in the mood for some adult interaction.
I got talkin to one of the wives and next thing I know over 2 hours had gone by. We talked about EVERYTHING. Mainly the challenges of being an army wife, shared different deployment stories, what our plans were for after the military. We even discovered that we have the same cleaning habits LOL! We also discovered she only lives right behind me so of course when leaving the park we went through the whole "we should get together sometime". And for the first time since all this DSS crap started, I actually meant it.
It's nice when you meet people in the same situation as you, and everyone says army wives have to stick together. During our conversation we met a woman with 3 kids, just moved into the housing complex and going through her first deployment. I really felt for her. While she was laughing and joking right along with us, I could still see a sadness in her eyes, and I remember all too well what she's feeling. The lonliness, overwhelmed, trying to be strong for her kids only to feel completly lost at night. I meant to give her my number yesterday but forgot, I'll have to remember to do that next time I see her. Everyone needs someone to lean on during these times. And I'm determined to be there for someone the way I needed someone to be there for me, only they weren't.
Unless you're in the military, you really can't fathom what we go through. You can sit here and read my blogs and get an idea of what it's like. But unless it happens to you there's no way to grasp the full impact of it. You truly are a single mom, only difference is you're married. But when our soldier is gone, everything is laid on us. The bills, the housework, the cooking, car maintnence minor repairs around the house, everything. It doesn't sound like much more than a normal housewife goes through but it gets lonely. Especially when stuff gets messed up and you feel like you have noone else to turn to because your spouse, your best friend, your partner, is off in another country risking his/her life every single day.
As far as Kuwait goes, the officer's are trying to fight it and make it so Tom comes back here. That'll be so much better. I can handle a week and a half or even 4 months, but another year might prove to be too much. We've started looking at places back home, but can't find anything within our price range that fits our needs. I'm excited to move but scared at the same time. Change is a very scary thing, and i know everyone goes through it and it's a part of life and all that, but I worry if we're still going to be able to support the kids.
I guess that's it for today, I'm thinking of going to have my coffee on the back porch and enjoy the sunshine before I start cleaning. If the weather is nice where you are, get out and do the same thing!
I got talkin to one of the wives and next thing I know over 2 hours had gone by. We talked about EVERYTHING. Mainly the challenges of being an army wife, shared different deployment stories, what our plans were for after the military. We even discovered that we have the same cleaning habits LOL! We also discovered she only lives right behind me so of course when leaving the park we went through the whole "we should get together sometime". And for the first time since all this DSS crap started, I actually meant it.
It's nice when you meet people in the same situation as you, and everyone says army wives have to stick together. During our conversation we met a woman with 3 kids, just moved into the housing complex and going through her first deployment. I really felt for her. While she was laughing and joking right along with us, I could still see a sadness in her eyes, and I remember all too well what she's feeling. The lonliness, overwhelmed, trying to be strong for her kids only to feel completly lost at night. I meant to give her my number yesterday but forgot, I'll have to remember to do that next time I see her. Everyone needs someone to lean on during these times. And I'm determined to be there for someone the way I needed someone to be there for me, only they weren't.
Unless you're in the military, you really can't fathom what we go through. You can sit here and read my blogs and get an idea of what it's like. But unless it happens to you there's no way to grasp the full impact of it. You truly are a single mom, only difference is you're married. But when our soldier is gone, everything is laid on us. The bills, the housework, the cooking, car maintnence minor repairs around the house, everything. It doesn't sound like much more than a normal housewife goes through but it gets lonely. Especially when stuff gets messed up and you feel like you have noone else to turn to because your spouse, your best friend, your partner, is off in another country risking his/her life every single day.
As far as Kuwait goes, the officer's are trying to fight it and make it so Tom comes back here. That'll be so much better. I can handle a week and a half or even 4 months, but another year might prove to be too much. We've started looking at places back home, but can't find anything within our price range that fits our needs. I'm excited to move but scared at the same time. Change is a very scary thing, and i know everyone goes through it and it's a part of life and all that, but I worry if we're still going to be able to support the kids.
I guess that's it for today, I'm thinking of going to have my coffee on the back porch and enjoy the sunshine before I start cleaning. If the weather is nice where you are, get out and do the same thing!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Day 3
Tom's been gone for field training since Monday. Even though it's only until Tuesday, I miss him like crazy! So do the kids. I'm having bedtime issues with them again, Connor's acting out real bad. They got mad at me cuz "Daddy went camping without them!" LOL I told them he didn't want to go camping either.
So far I've been ok, not staying up all night like I did when he was gone, making sure the kids get up for school. Been slacking on the cleaning a little, but I've had a killer toothache the past couple days. It's feeling much better today so I'm gonna do a overhaul on the house today once my phone is charged lol.
Nights are a little harder. Sue asked me the day Tom left if I was ok, I told her "bah a week and a half is a cake walk...I can handle it!" And for the most part, I can. I can cook, and clean and care for the kids the way I'm supposed to. I can make sure I go to bed at a decent hour, all stuff I had to litterally force myself to do while he was deployed. But, at night, when I'm in bed and it's just me and the dogs, I have the hardest time falling asleep.
I keep telling myself this is insane. He hasn't been gone that long and he'll be back next week. So why am I missing him so much? It's not like we've never been seperated before. He was in Iraq for close to a year for crying out loud! For all intents and purposes, this should be a cake walk. One advantage I have is I'm not about to shut down like I did last time. I know I can do the stuff I need to do to take care of my kids, and my house. It's just the lonliness I'm having a hard time with now.
I don't know really what I'm saying lol, just rambling really. It makes me think of when he leaves for Georgia. He's going to be gone for 4 months. Now the plan is for me to be in North Carolina with my parents for a month and a half of that. But that's not going to help with the lonliness. Tom and I have come so far these past few months. We're finally in a good place. So, in a way, this intense lonliness I'm feeling with him being gone is a releif. It proves to me that I do still love him. Proves that all of our problems in the past, don't matter now. I want him here, in my bed. I miss that I can't roll over at night and put my arm around him. Crazy I know but I feel like a newlywed again lol.
Short post I know, but I got a ton of crap I need to do today. I'll write more soon!
So far I've been ok, not staying up all night like I did when he was gone, making sure the kids get up for school. Been slacking on the cleaning a little, but I've had a killer toothache the past couple days. It's feeling much better today so I'm gonna do a overhaul on the house today once my phone is charged lol.
Nights are a little harder. Sue asked me the day Tom left if I was ok, I told her "bah a week and a half is a cake walk...I can handle it!" And for the most part, I can. I can cook, and clean and care for the kids the way I'm supposed to. I can make sure I go to bed at a decent hour, all stuff I had to litterally force myself to do while he was deployed. But, at night, when I'm in bed and it's just me and the dogs, I have the hardest time falling asleep.
I keep telling myself this is insane. He hasn't been gone that long and he'll be back next week. So why am I missing him so much? It's not like we've never been seperated before. He was in Iraq for close to a year for crying out loud! For all intents and purposes, this should be a cake walk. One advantage I have is I'm not about to shut down like I did last time. I know I can do the stuff I need to do to take care of my kids, and my house. It's just the lonliness I'm having a hard time with now.
I don't know really what I'm saying lol, just rambling really. It makes me think of when he leaves for Georgia. He's going to be gone for 4 months. Now the plan is for me to be in North Carolina with my parents for a month and a half of that. But that's not going to help with the lonliness. Tom and I have come so far these past few months. We're finally in a good place. So, in a way, this intense lonliness I'm feeling with him being gone is a releif. It proves to me that I do still love him. Proves that all of our problems in the past, don't matter now. I want him here, in my bed. I miss that I can't roll over at night and put my arm around him. Crazy I know but I feel like a newlywed again lol.
Short post I know, but I got a ton of crap I need to do today. I'll write more soon!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The Battle of Potty Training
All us parents have been there....the dreaded age of potty training! The training pants, the rushed trips to the potty, and the occasional accident. How do you handle it all? How do you make it come together? And every kid is different in so many ways!
With Lana, it was late but it was easy. She was 5 before she got fully potty trained (I know, I know shame on Mommy lol). But once she got started it was a breeze. Tom was deployed, it was in between paydays and I had run out of pullups. I refused to put a diaper on her cuz at the time Connor was still in diapers. So I told her that she had to start using the potty until payday because we were out of pullups (luckily I had a few pairs of undies hidden). She started using the potty and when payday rolled around she said she didn't want pullups, she wanted big girl underwear. And that was that, she doesn't even have accidents at night.
Connor is turning into a much different story. I really want him to start Kindergarten in the fall, and in order to do that he has to be potty trained, at least during the day. All this past week, with the pullups he's been doing great! He went in the bathroom all by himself, did his business and that was that. So Tom bought him superhero underwear last night and we tried him without the pullups today. It's only just after 11am and he has gone through 3 pair of undies! I finally put a pullup on him and told him when he proved to me that he could stay dry and go to the potty he could have his superhero underwear back.
Why is he all of a sudden peeing in his underwear? He was doing SO good with it I thought for sure this would be a breeze. I'm hoping to have him potty trained before Tom leaves for Georgia in July, but right now I'm so frustrated I wanna just give up! I'll welcome ANY tips or advice anyone may have, because right now, I'm at a loss! Tom leaves tomorrow morning for field training he'll be gone for a week and a half. That should be fun because Connor wants Daddy to take him in the potty most of the time. I hope ya'll enjoyed your weekend! Enjoy the sunshine!
With Lana, it was late but it was easy. She was 5 before she got fully potty trained (I know, I know shame on Mommy lol). But once she got started it was a breeze. Tom was deployed, it was in between paydays and I had run out of pullups. I refused to put a diaper on her cuz at the time Connor was still in diapers. So I told her that she had to start using the potty until payday because we were out of pullups (luckily I had a few pairs of undies hidden). She started using the potty and when payday rolled around she said she didn't want pullups, she wanted big girl underwear. And that was that, she doesn't even have accidents at night.
Connor is turning into a much different story. I really want him to start Kindergarten in the fall, and in order to do that he has to be potty trained, at least during the day. All this past week, with the pullups he's been doing great! He went in the bathroom all by himself, did his business and that was that. So Tom bought him superhero underwear last night and we tried him without the pullups today. It's only just after 11am and he has gone through 3 pair of undies! I finally put a pullup on him and told him when he proved to me that he could stay dry and go to the potty he could have his superhero underwear back.
Why is he all of a sudden peeing in his underwear? He was doing SO good with it I thought for sure this would be a breeze. I'm hoping to have him potty trained before Tom leaves for Georgia in July, but right now I'm so frustrated I wanna just give up! I'll welcome ANY tips or advice anyone may have, because right now, I'm at a loss! Tom leaves tomorrow morning for field training he'll be gone for a week and a half. That should be fun because Connor wants Daddy to take him in the potty most of the time. I hope ya'll enjoyed your weekend! Enjoy the sunshine!
Friday, May 7, 2010
The Life of an Army Wife
I found one of my friends blogs yesterday. She's a fellow army wife lives just down the street from me. So I was reading through her past blogs, and I came across one that talks about how hard a deployment is on the families of the soldiers. And I realized, I talk about my kids, my pets, how my father in law drives me insane, but I never really talk about what it's like to be the wife of a United States Army Soldier. So thanks for todays post inspiration.
The number one hardest thing on any military family is deployments. But I'm not here to talk about how hard it is on other military families, just mine. When Tom first joined the army, we were still living in North Carolina. He had basic training for 9 weeks, then he had AIT for four months. When he first joined, he was only reserves. After A.I.T, he came home and started to look for a job. Was very difficult when after only a month home, they decided to send him away for a month for something, I forgot what it was. When he came back, he still couldnt find a job, so I BEGGED him to go active duty full time. My brother in law was a recruiter so he was able to help us. After Tom signed the papers, he was stationed in Ft. Drum, NY. So he went first, the plan was for us to follow a few weeks later. But that fell through and I ended up staying with my parents for 2 or 3 months.
That time apart wasn't too bad, I had my parents there to help me. When I finally got to NY to reunite with my husband, I felt "well that was easy, I can handle a year long deployment." HA! I was wrong. About a year after we got here, he was deployed to Iraq. On our 6th wedding anniversary, Lana's 5th birthday was the day after. That was hard enough but I thought I was prepared after all that time apart. I was in for the shock of my life.
My marriage was never extremly strong, so I wasn't prepared for how much I actually missed him. The first month he was gone, I'd cry myself to sleep at night, wake up in the morning with tear stained eyes. All the while trying not to let the kids see me fall apart because they missed they're daddy too. I'd hear our wedding song and fall apart, and forget about Toby Keith's "American Soldier". The first line of that song still brings tears to my eyes. "I'm just tryin to be a father, raise a daughter and a son. Be a lover to their mother, everything to everyone." I felt like Toby Keith was in my head when he wrote that. I remember one day calling my mother hysterical in tears "Mom, I can't do this I need him here." My mother was absolutly amazing during that time. She'd laugh with me, cry with me. And I can't imagine it was very easy for her. Having her only daughter, her baby, so far away in so much pain. And of course, as I mentioned in a previous blog, I completly shut down.
I didn't even celebrate Christmas that year, I just didn't have it in me. I didn't get a tree, didn't decorate. Christmas dinner for me and my kids was at a local diner. The food sucked but it was the only place open that day. I was jealous of all the families that had they're spouses home that year. I was very angry. Luckily, with Tom's job I was able to talk to him every day, but it didn't help much. With the time difference he had to go to bed much earlier than me.
But, he came home. And when he did, just as my friend said, I felt like I had the life breathed back into me. Which at the time, I didn't understand. See, a couple weeks before he came home, he told me he wanted a divorce. We had been fighting for a while, and the Dss thing didn't help matters at all. I guess he felt he just didn't have it in him to fight anymore. At the time he told me I'll never forget his words "I'm emotionally detached, in my mind I'm single". Thank god for my mom and one of my best friends Sue during that time. I can remember one night, sitting on the floor, hystericall, unable to pick myself up, calling Sue on Skype and rambling incoherently.
The day he came home, it was August so Lana was home from school. We had decided not to tell the kids yet until we knew for sure what we were doing. I remember opening the door, and seeing him there in his black button down shirt, and black jeans and thinking "wow, i love this man". And Lana's face lit up as she jumped into his arms. It was Connor's first day of preschool, so Tom decided to ride with us to go pick him up. The kids had NO idea he was coming home.
We got to the school, and we were told the kids were outside playing. So we went out back to the playground. Connor was playing on the slide and didn't see us right away. So Tom started to walk toward the slide. Connor then turned around and saw him. At first, he just stood there, cocking his head to one side, then the other, until he decided to come get a closer look. So he got off the slide and started walking. The closer he got to Tom, I noticed his lower lip start to quiver. About half way over to him he just lifted his arms up, lower lip still quivering. Tom then picked him up and Connor wrapped his little arms so tight around his neck and held on so tight that I thought he was going to choke him. There wasn't a dry eye on that playground that day. And that is one memory that I will take to my grave with me as one of my favorite memories of all time. Everytime I think about it I still get a lump in my throat.
Now, we're on the verge of doing it all over again. Tom leaves in July for Georgia for 4 more months of training, then after he gets back, we're told he's going to Kuwait for a year. I'm dreading it. An Army wife once told me that the first deployment is always the easiest to get through. If that's true, and I was so bad last time, what's it gonna be like this time? We have a plan this time though. I'm going to take the kids and move back to our hometown where I have 90% of my family and almost ALL of my friends that I grew up with. We think it'll help me better having a big support system closeby to help me through the rough times. But damn, Tom and I are finally in a good place. Losing him again is going to about kill me. But, that's all part of life in the military. You have to deal with not seeing your spouse, or loved one for days, weeks sometimes even months or years at a time. That's probably why they say military wives are the strongest women out there. Speaking for myeself, everyone kept telling me how strong I was, but at the time I didn't feel it. I felt weak, like I didn't know how I was going to go on. That year he was gone proved to me how much I loved him and how no problem is too small to fight for if you truly feel you've found a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The number one hardest thing on any military family is deployments. But I'm not here to talk about how hard it is on other military families, just mine. When Tom first joined the army, we were still living in North Carolina. He had basic training for 9 weeks, then he had AIT for four months. When he first joined, he was only reserves. After A.I.T, he came home and started to look for a job. Was very difficult when after only a month home, they decided to send him away for a month for something, I forgot what it was. When he came back, he still couldnt find a job, so I BEGGED him to go active duty full time. My brother in law was a recruiter so he was able to help us. After Tom signed the papers, he was stationed in Ft. Drum, NY. So he went first, the plan was for us to follow a few weeks later. But that fell through and I ended up staying with my parents for 2 or 3 months.
That time apart wasn't too bad, I had my parents there to help me. When I finally got to NY to reunite with my husband, I felt "well that was easy, I can handle a year long deployment." HA! I was wrong. About a year after we got here, he was deployed to Iraq. On our 6th wedding anniversary, Lana's 5th birthday was the day after. That was hard enough but I thought I was prepared after all that time apart. I was in for the shock of my life.
My marriage was never extremly strong, so I wasn't prepared for how much I actually missed him. The first month he was gone, I'd cry myself to sleep at night, wake up in the morning with tear stained eyes. All the while trying not to let the kids see me fall apart because they missed they're daddy too. I'd hear our wedding song and fall apart, and forget about Toby Keith's "American Soldier". The first line of that song still brings tears to my eyes. "I'm just tryin to be a father, raise a daughter and a son. Be a lover to their mother, everything to everyone." I felt like Toby Keith was in my head when he wrote that. I remember one day calling my mother hysterical in tears "Mom, I can't do this I need him here." My mother was absolutly amazing during that time. She'd laugh with me, cry with me. And I can't imagine it was very easy for her. Having her only daughter, her baby, so far away in so much pain. And of course, as I mentioned in a previous blog, I completly shut down.
I didn't even celebrate Christmas that year, I just didn't have it in me. I didn't get a tree, didn't decorate. Christmas dinner for me and my kids was at a local diner. The food sucked but it was the only place open that day. I was jealous of all the families that had they're spouses home that year. I was very angry. Luckily, with Tom's job I was able to talk to him every day, but it didn't help much. With the time difference he had to go to bed much earlier than me.
But, he came home. And when he did, just as my friend said, I felt like I had the life breathed back into me. Which at the time, I didn't understand. See, a couple weeks before he came home, he told me he wanted a divorce. We had been fighting for a while, and the Dss thing didn't help matters at all. I guess he felt he just didn't have it in him to fight anymore. At the time he told me I'll never forget his words "I'm emotionally detached, in my mind I'm single". Thank god for my mom and one of my best friends Sue during that time. I can remember one night, sitting on the floor, hystericall, unable to pick myself up, calling Sue on Skype and rambling incoherently.
The day he came home, it was August so Lana was home from school. We had decided not to tell the kids yet until we knew for sure what we were doing. I remember opening the door, and seeing him there in his black button down shirt, and black jeans and thinking "wow, i love this man". And Lana's face lit up as she jumped into his arms. It was Connor's first day of preschool, so Tom decided to ride with us to go pick him up. The kids had NO idea he was coming home.
We got to the school, and we were told the kids were outside playing. So we went out back to the playground. Connor was playing on the slide and didn't see us right away. So Tom started to walk toward the slide. Connor then turned around and saw him. At first, he just stood there, cocking his head to one side, then the other, until he decided to come get a closer look. So he got off the slide and started walking. The closer he got to Tom, I noticed his lower lip start to quiver. About half way over to him he just lifted his arms up, lower lip still quivering. Tom then picked him up and Connor wrapped his little arms so tight around his neck and held on so tight that I thought he was going to choke him. There wasn't a dry eye on that playground that day. And that is one memory that I will take to my grave with me as one of my favorite memories of all time. Everytime I think about it I still get a lump in my throat.
Now, we're on the verge of doing it all over again. Tom leaves in July for Georgia for 4 more months of training, then after he gets back, we're told he's going to Kuwait for a year. I'm dreading it. An Army wife once told me that the first deployment is always the easiest to get through. If that's true, and I was so bad last time, what's it gonna be like this time? We have a plan this time though. I'm going to take the kids and move back to our hometown where I have 90% of my family and almost ALL of my friends that I grew up with. We think it'll help me better having a big support system closeby to help me through the rough times. But damn, Tom and I are finally in a good place. Losing him again is going to about kill me. But, that's all part of life in the military. You have to deal with not seeing your spouse, or loved one for days, weeks sometimes even months or years at a time. That's probably why they say military wives are the strongest women out there. Speaking for myeself, everyone kept telling me how strong I was, but at the time I didn't feel it. I felt weak, like I didn't know how I was going to go on. That year he was gone proved to me how much I loved him and how no problem is too small to fight for if you truly feel you've found a once in a lifetime opportunity.
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