Morning

So yesterday, I looked at the calendar and realized that Sunday was the 18th. It would've been Ma's 72nd birthday. I still miss her every day. There's not a day that goes by where I don't look at my phone waiting for her to call, then feel the lump in my throat when I realize she's not going to call. Yet, I can't bring myself to change the entry in my phone that says Ma in Law whenever that number calls. I realize I have alot of regrets when it comes to her. I wish I had answered the phone more, told her how much she meant to me more. I wish I could've taken better care of her. Tom feels the same way. He got tears in his eyes the other day and just looked at me and said "My mom is gone, she's never going to call me again." We still have alot of her stuff in our garage from when she lived here. I can't bring myself to go through it, but it's probably time. Maybe this weekend Tom and I can do it together.

He went back in front of the promotion board on Tuesday. He failed it again. They gave him the benefit of the doubt this time because of everything that's been going on, losing Ma and my surgery and all this housing crap. They said that board preperation was probably the last thing on his mind. The problem is, he knows his stuff, everything he has to know to go in front of the board, then when he gets there in front of the committee, he freezes up. I don't know how to help him. He's tried picturing other people there, picturing him just sitting at the table with us. Nothing works. He's SUPPOSED to go back next month, but they don't know because he has field training for 2 weeks next month. He'll be gone on my birthday again, not that that's a big deal, I'll be 28 the time for getting excited about my birthday has passed lol. At least it's not one of the kids birthdays.

Shortly after he gets back from training, he will be leaving for Georgia for 4 months. And I gotta tell ya, I'm scared to DEATH of him leaving again. When he deployed, as I mentioned the other day, I didn't handle it very well. There's no need to go back through that whole story again. What if that happens again? What if I shut down again? What if this time, DSS isn't as forgiving and I lose my kids. What if housing decides that's the perfect time to come mess with me and I don't have Tom here to protect me and tell me it's ok? There are so many thoughts and feelings running through my head and I can't seem to get them all out. I'd like to think I've accomplished alot in the last year, and that I've gotten stronger. But what if that's just wishful thinking? I do feel alot stronger than I ever have before. But what if that all comes crashing down when he leaves again? What if just like last time, he decides he wants to end our marriage again?

And those are just the internal questions. We have no clue what's happening when he gets back. Are we staying in Ft. Drum or will we get stationed somewhere else? It wouldn't be so bad if we got North Carolina, or somewhere I have people I know. But what if we get somewhere I've never been before? Or another country? Then what? So many questions I'm not sure when I'm going to get the answer too.

I guess I'll go clean and clear my head....sorry it's depressing today lol I'll be more cheerful next time

Louise